THE MAGAZINE DIET       

I am currently enjoying week number five of the post operative six week recovery vacation.  I learned early- about week 2, that when the doctor says don't lift anything over 10 pounds, he means it.  Now that I am closing in on the sixth week of laying around and melding my body into the comfort of every piece of foam padding in the house, I have begun to realize that I now resemble my twin sister,  Marge (Simpson) ..... just call me Barge! 

So what does a slug do when a body is given six weeks of guilt free mush mind time?  This slug decided to have a little fun with the magazine publishers.  Since I had time to actually read the junk mail in my box, I found that there were many magazines that wanted to befriend me and my address.

They wanted to be my best friend on the night table by my bed for not just one year, but two!  And if I would commit to this friendship, they would comfort me for a third year for only one dollar more!  Golly, the man in my life hasn't even given me this great of an offer. 

All I had to do was send in the card, try out the magazine for one month, pay the bill or write ‘cancel' and send it back to them.  With a giddy smile on my face and an almost Ginger Rogers glide to the mail box, I lifted the red flag and sent off a stack of agreements to my new best friends.  All the while, thinking "Yeah, I'll try your magazine for free, then I'll cancel.... jokes on you!"  

I am now living in a world of magazine headaches, which I call magraines.   Not only me, but the mail carrier also.  With so many magazines invited to my house, she is considering an extra trailer or multiple daily deliveries to my house.  I feel her pain and I owe her an apology.  I'm thinking a free subscription to a magazine should do the trick.

The more magazines I got, the more offers I received. Free tote bags, recipe cards, a lemon zester, decorating ideas and many chances to win cash and prizes!   I was on THEE list.  Everyone wanted me. 

"Did I really send off for this magazine?  I can't remember!  Do I want to keep this one?  Did I pay the bill or cancel it?"  Even after paying the bill, they will send you another bill in hopes that you will sign for another year and they can play with your money for four years instead of three.  So I got smart while paying off my stack of bills. I would go through my check entry log to jog my memory.   See.... that's what they want to happen.  It is their hope that you can't remember the agreement you entered into over two months ago and that you will just pay the bill because you are too busy to research the dilemma.

It turns out, this never ending joke is on me.

The diet starts today.  I will purge every magazine sent to me.  I will make an effort to write cancel on every bill.  I will stick to my plan like gastric bypass.  There is no going back.  I will do this, if not for me, for my very tired mail carrier.  Instead of recycling, I have begun to donate stacks of current issues to doctor and dentist offices.    

It's difficult to write ‘cancel' on a magazine that promises me supreme health and good looking longevity.  The magazine today offered me a natural lip moisturizer.  Take one small raspberry and mash with honey and aloe vera.  ‘Apply to lips.... but resist the temptation to lick the sweetly infused seeds off my lips for 15 minutes.  The seeds act as an exfoliator and will slough off any dead skin.'  Are you kidding? You want me to walk around the house with seeds on my lips - for how long?  I don't have any dead skin on my lips!  I chew that off on a daily basis!  That's the end to that subscription. Whew... that was easy. 

Almost every mag touted the health benefits of blueberries and salmon.  Okay, I got it.  Now 10 of you have to go.  ‘Lose ten pounds in just 14 days'.  But I only have five to lose.  Does this mean I have to gain another five before I can test your diet?  And why is it always the magical number ten?  There goes another five mags. Meanie Martha told me if I don't pay up on my bill, she will send her marketing fairy to my house to sprinkle rust dust on my clothes pins.  In all fairness, she was nice enough to close with - PS.... If you have already paid this bill, forget what you read in the above paragraph.  She's a keeper. 

Best friends don't leave easy.  Once they receive your decline announcement, they will fight for your affection.  They mean it when they promise to be your bedside partner.  If I do say yes to your commitment proposal for three years, don't send me a tote bag- a nice gold band for my ring finger will do.  Three years is the deepest level of commitment I have made in a long time. 

When the other mags find out that you dissed their competition, they circle around you like vultures.  "Try me!  Try me! " they beg with colorful photos and fancy fold outs.  The cycle begins again; only multiplied.   I'm beginning to feel like the guy that pressed the big red button.  "What have I done?  I didn't know THIS would happen!" 

The magraines haven't stopped yet.  But their intensity has diminished.  I am feeling lighter and healthier; even though I don't like salmon or blueberries.  I will win this battle while practicing yoga in a well decorated (feng shway sp?) room with raspberry seeds on my lips, coconut and avocado in my hair, a melon mask on my face, mascara that is less than three months old on my lashes, cantaloupe and mint on my feet and a really good multi layered bio feed back audio (that sounds like eggs frying in bacon grease - yum) wafting through the air. 


Linda Schutz    July 4, 2006