THE NEW YEAR...ATTAINABLE RESOLUTIONS

When and where did this idea of New Year resolutions begin?  I understand that it's a new year and we can all start with a clean slate.  The problem with that idea is that the clean slate doesn't need resolutions unless we bring the old, dirty slate along with us into the New Year.  I think the guy who came up with this idea did a little too much over indulgent celebrating over the holidays and had to pull back on the reins.

I don't believe in grandiose resolutions.  It only invites failure.  I've had enough of that - quick, grab me another clean slate!  This year I came up with some relatively painless and easily attainable resolutions:

I have a half a drawer of unmatched socks at my house and another half a drawer at Al's house.  This year I plan to bring those mates together.  Some women love shoes. I really love my Amelda Marcos size cache of socks.  When Al does the laundry and I can't find a sock mate, I bring it home, hoping to find the other.  Then I find the mate at Al's house and forget if the other one is at my house or eaten by the dryer at his house.  It's really hard living in two houses at the same time.

You know those movies in which the guy has two wives and two lives?  It's impossible.  All the wives have to do is check out how many mate less socks he has.  There's no such thing as ‘the dryer ate it'. 

Next, I think I'm gonna mess with my friend Lori.  This isn't as much a resolution as a goal.  She swears up and down that she will never eat a White Castle hamburger in her life. This alone makes me question her dedication to the American way of life.

Last Thanksgiving I made the stuffing for their turkey dinner.  Since then, I have found a stuffing recipe in which the main ingredient calls for those lovely, greasy burgers.  Next time she asks for my stuffing, I think I'll make it for her.

It's kind of like the old venison trick.  Don't you just hate when you go to someone's house for dinner and they know you don't like venison but they are intent on proving you do?  So you compliment them on the meal you just choked down and then they tell you its venison.  "See, we told you it tastes just like beef!"  That's the last time I eat at your house!

Then we move on to the drawer in the kitchen; the junk drawer.  Oh come on, you have one too. Mine has been building for 11 years now.  But if you push down on the contents, the drawer still closes.  I think I'll have a junk drawer date night and rent a movie, maybe a little wine... but why stop there- my whole house looks like that drawer!  But that could take a movie club membership and a case of wine.  The drawer is attainable, the entire house is not.

I think I'm going to stop yelling at the kids to clean their bed rooms.  This one is easy.  Just shut their bedroom doors and pretend I own a one bedroom house.  Oh heck, let's be honest here; I'd have to shut my door as well.  Wonder if that changes the market value?  The listing will read "palatial estate on an oversized lot, rooms galore.  Lots of doors, but no bedrooms."  The key to ending the messy bedroom war is to not have any bedrooms.  Maybe I should contact the new developers in Carver with my cutting edge idea.     

I know my list isn't very long, but it is attainable and that's what matters.  I can add more things as the year goes on; but I probably won't.  Being an optimist, I know there's always next year.

Linda Schutz December 2006