NOW..... TELL ME ABOUT YOUR MOTHER

Over the last 25 years of my life, I have gone to several psychologists for my own difficulties while trying to move beyond a bump in the road as well as attending my own children's bump in the road sessions.  What I quickly learned was that the old joke is true.  It really IS your mothers' fault! 

If you have never visited a therapist, let me tell you what happens: You go in for one problem and come out with another.  That being, some very deeply buried issues with your mother.  Mom is always there for you- even if she has to take the hit.... again! 

I recently went to a hypno-therapist for a problem I couldn't resolve on my own.  Within two sessions, you guessed it- I had to deal with some underlying resentment towards my mother.  I was regressed to a day in my kindergarten life.  It was in the morning and I was on the front steps of the house trying to make a kite out of newspaper and sticks.  As an adult, we all know that this kite isn't gonna fly.  Paper ripping, tape not sticking, I cried.  The sense of abandonment was overwhelming.  "Where's my mom, why doesn't she help me with this?"

Finally, at 46 years old, I feel ridiculous admitting that it took me so long to find the answer to that question.  Let's see.... she had just fed six children, got three of them off to school, did the dishes and the laundry, played secretary to my father's business while he was out of town, she was sewing a wedding dress and three bridesmaid dresses for a new customer, ran after my brother the toddler and cared for my infant sister!  My kite wasn't that big of a deal at that moment.   In all fairness to my mother, I would have to say that if this episode was so traumatic that I had to bury it for all these years, she was a great mom.

After experiencing that moment of resolve, the thought of my own children and our life circumstances has continually plagued me.  Sometimes a mother just does the best she can in every situation.  The kids don't see the BIG picture; just the part that's affecting them. So now I wonder what my kids blame me for.  I am certain there are many times I didn't meet their needs, many times I didn't give them the answers they wanted and many times I didn't make them feel loved.  It is my hope that someday, when they are parents of their own children, they don't have to write a check for 150 bucks an hour to discover that it's all my fault.

So now I have a new list of what I blame my mother for:
I blame her for teaching me how to set an elegant table and how to throw a  really great party. My mom was ‘Martha' before Martha was Martha.  ‘Martha' could learn a lot from my Martha.
I blame her for gently forcing me to learn impeccable manners. 
I blame her for always making me think the best of people - her rule is "If someone is mean to you, kill them with kindness."
I blame her for always insisting that I take the high road.  "Taking the high road is harder and longer, but it will make you a better person."
I blame her for encouraging me to find my own voice and my own path. 
I blame her for ‘sending in the clowns'.  When something really terrible happens at the circus, they send in the clowns to distract the attention away from the accident.  "You can do that in life as well."  She taught me how to laugh even when it didn't seem possible.
I blame her for the undying appreciation of art that she continually exposed me to.
I blame her for teaching me to love.

On this Mother's Day, it is my hope that my children can look beyond my shortcomings and blame me for the following:
Please blame me for the constant hugs and kisses and "I love you's" that we share many times a day.
Please blame me for the very twisted sense of humor that we have developed over the years.
Please blame me for the moments when you hated me!  If you hate me, I must be doing something right.
Please blame me for being a mean mom.  I did it for your own good.
Please blame me for teaching you to tell the truth, but restitution will set you free.
Please blame me for allowing you to have very messy bedrooms so we could go out to lunch instead of cleaning.
Please blame me for teaching you all that I leaned from my mother.

We all have mothers.  The relationship between mother and child is different for every one of us depending on the phase of life we are in. If you like yourself but you can't understand your mother, perhaps you should look at it in a different way. Go ahead, blame you mother - for the positive impact she had on your life.   Maybe the psychologists are right... it really IS  your mothers fault!

Happy Mother's Day mom- I love you.


Linda Schutz April 28,2006